Bathroom Banter
On restrooms, catchphrases, and Coldplay
What do you say to the person who walks into the bathroom stall you just vacated? The other day, a man at the gym gave me a bright “Cheers!” as he exited and I entered the one-person toilet on the weightlifting floor.
Once I was at a hair salon waiting for another single-occupant lavatory, and out came Barbara Corcoran in an electric pink blazer. She flashed me a self-aware smile of the Yes, I’m highly recognizable variety and announced, “It’s all yours!” I have nothing juicy to report: I found the bathroom immaculate and fragranced only by a rose-scented Byredo candle.
Usually when I leave a bathroom, I cast down my eyes and affect a blithe retreat. It’s something to think about, though –– whether having a bathroom-exit catchphrase might unlock new interpersonal decency.
I’m a little torn on the subject of catchphrases, restroom-related or otherwise. They really work best if you’re a TV character (Lucille Ball need only make a sneering “Ehh” sound) or a professional athlete (tweens at my tennis camp echoed Rafael Nadal’s classic “¡Vamos!”). People for whom catchphrases should be off-limits include YouTubers and reality dating show contestants, coincidentally the major career aspirations of my generation. You could potentially change my mind about the YouTubers, but never the dating show participants (please, don’t Google “WhaBoom” guy from The Bachelorette’s 13th season).
I enjoy identifying the recurrent speech patterns of people in my life. Attending to someone’s language habits can be a gesture of love, but it can also slide into merciless impersonation. My brother and I delight in mocking our dad’s diction, namely his fondness for the word “abut” to describe any kind of spatial relationship.
Last night I got to hear my favorite music critic, Amanda Petrusich, read her compassionate profile of Coldplay frontman Chris Martin. I say “compassionate” because of the restraint she exercised, opting for quietly devastating descriptions of the band’s music as “motivational.” Martin is a man whom I’m almost certain has catchphrases, and if not catchphrases then spoken mantras and maxims (let’s not forget, he’s one of half of the duo behind “conscious uncoupling”).
The Coldplay discourse brought to mind the band’s recent music video for a song called “All My Love,” which randomly doubles as a kind of eulogy-while-he’s-still-alive for the great Dick Van Dyke. I’m slightly suspicious of the emotional ploy to layer clips from Van Dyke’s storied career with shots of him dancing barefoot at age 99, all while Martin warbles at an upright piano beneath twinkly lights. However, Martin’s respect for Hollywood greatness seems genuine, even if rhymes like “Whether it rains, it remains” leave something to be desired.
And with that, I’ll decamp from this lexical latrine. Cheers!
“Too-da-loo,” comes to mind….